Dog Toys

Our dog is in the habit of destroying any and all soft toys that we give to him. He will unerringly locate a weak point along one of the toys’ seams, and gnaw at that spot until the stitches break, or the fabric rips, giving access to the sweet ‘brains’ therein. Sometimes he may bite out the toys’ eyes first. This may happen immediately, or weeks, or even months after the toy has been given to him. So many ‘victims’ have been dispatched in this way that we could open a Circus of Disemboweled Plush Toys all of our own.

As with most pathological behaviours, this one may be traced back to the patient’s childhood. As a developing puppy he bonded closely with a teddy-bear I had won on Brighton pier earlier that year. As our pup matured, he initiated a quasi-sexual relationship with this teddy, who thereafter became known as Bitch. Another toy, Chris Moose (below), was also, on occasion, used as an object of gratification. Our pup, however, was at no great age when we arranged for his castration. After the operation, the nature of the confused puppy’s relationship with his companions took a sinister turn, and the mutilations and ‘debrainings’ began…

The only one of our disturbed canine’s childhood toys to (partly) escape this mournful fate was baby puppy (below, right), but this survival owed more to our having taken him out of reach of his persecutor (lest his plastic-bead innards spill out everywhere) than to any mercy on the part of his erstwhile playmate. Since then, we have, as accomplices in this fluffy carnage, brought home many dozens more toys, each unaware of their sacrificial fate, destined for debraining and disembowelment: as well as Chris Moose, there was Chris Mouse; there were the long-lived Monster and Camel; there was Giant Bunny: there were Tug-Lion and Tug-Monkey, there was Batty the sinister plush bat, and there was the malevolent Evil Baby Puppet, and there have been many more too short-lived even to accrue a nickname.

In the present images we see, in the first picture Yellow Bear, Purple Bear and Orange Bear, all purchased before Christmas last at a local supermarket. Of the three, Purple Bear is in the worst shape, being altogether decerebrate. In the second picture, similarly debrained, is poor old Chris Moose, barely recognisable as such. The third picture (above), shows the original Baby Puppy, trying to comfort a much more recently-acquired teddy-bear.

And, in the final picture, we see the melancholy spectacle of a Smurf without a face, and a face without a Smurf… Click on the images to see them enlarged.